Drunk Post #1

Sun, September 19, 2010, 3:52am...

This is the first official, random post of my blog. First, I want to take the opportunity to apologize to my friends and followers who have committed themselves to reading, and following my blog (for the record, I hate the word "blog," and I have no idea where the word came from, why it exists, or what it officially means) but... My initial post was to explain to my close friends as to why I came to Evansville, and as to why I'm still in Evansville. That's really the reason for it. I got a bit carried away (which will happen to me), but it won't be the norm. I can promise you that. I'm not nearly as profound, knowledgeable, or entertaining as I may have come across in my initial posting. I wish it were the case, and maybe I will improve with time, but prepare yourself for smaller and less impact-full posts on a more regular basis.

With that being said, tonight was an enjoyable night. Since I've been back in Evansville, I haven't had many "enjoyable" nights. I don't say it like it's a bad thing, but the past summer months (July 1st to September 1st - which I have ALWAYS considered to be the summer months, especially as a hockey player) have not been what they once were for me. Again, I don't say that like it's a bad thing. Right now, I am literally 8 shots of soco-lime, plus 5 vodka-water's deep (my toleration for alcohol has ALWAYS been high - call it the Irish in me - and I have always been able to speak and write formidably, despite the consumption of alcohol), and I can literally tell you that I am capable of forming my own thoughts and translating them into words for everybody to read. I say that, and now I have to back my shit up, so bare with me...

The thing is, the past 3 months have NOT gone the way I thought that they would go. I came back to Evansville for more than one reason, that much is true. I'm borderline upset with myself to openly admit that at least part of my reasoning for returning to Evansville was because of my feelings for a girl. I wish I could deny it, to anybody, but to be realistic... I would just be denying it to myself. The truth is that I was emotionally wrapped up in a situation, and I was having difficulty dealing with the ramifications of my actions. It's true, it's honest, and it's stupid of me to try to sugarcoat it. Part of the reason I came back here was because I was in love. End of story. Anybody who is close to me, or knows me and my past history, knows that I have been VERY sheepish when it comes to relationships. The reality is that I have difficulty trusting people. I try to say that I trust everybody, until they give me a reason not to trust them, but that's me throwing out a cliche. I really have difficulty trusting anybody. I only let a select few into my real world, and I'm very guarded with who I am as a person. I don't mean to offend anybody, because I love all of those close to me, but aside from my parents, my brother, Pando, Hutch, Vickie, Farrell, and really only a few others, I keep my thoughts and feelings close to me. Sure I may dispel my thoughts to you in some way, but I guarantee that I'm not putting my trust in you and what you have to say as much as I would if it were coming from one of those persons. Brett Riley, Abby Keeping, Jamie Thomas and my roommate, Jed Johnsen, have also turned out to be people close to my emotions, as this summer will undoubtedly attest to, but they will have to appreciate the fact that they still aren't as close to my heart as my family and friends. It's the way of the world.

As a hockey player you deal with this "way of the world" even more than most. You experience a season, or 8 months out of a year, with a close-knit group of friends, brothers if you will, and then you move on with your lives. It's bittersweet in so many ways because you make friends for life, but then you leave each other and you never 100% know if you will ever see one another again. It's the way it goes. It's how it's done, at every level, right on up to the National Hockey League. Sometimes those "relationships" last a lifetime, and other times they fade away. It's a harsh concept to understand, and many people can't fathom what it means, but it is how it goes, and it never ends. I can honestly tell you that I have made friends that I THOUGHT I would keep forever, and after the summer months they disappear, never to be heard from again. Sounds ridiculous right? It's stupid really, but it's the way it goes. For those of you in Evansville, you think I will ever see Ryan Ford again? Maybe. Maybe some day 2-3 years down the road once he gets done with school out in Canada. What does that mean exactly? It means that Fordy and I established a friendship that lasted the season. Hell, I was one of the first persons he called after his incident at Casino Aztar that caused him to get in shit for days upon days. I was even one of the few guys who appreciated his thong that he wore around the locker room after our championship. What does that mean for our friendship? It means jack shit. I hate to say it, but I have no idea when we'll talk again, and the bizarre thing about that is that it's OK. Shit, not only is it OK, but he and I completely understand why it is the way that it is... It is that way because that's the way that it's done, and it may be unfortunate, but it's the truth. The sad thing is that, as a hockey player, bits of your heart tend to get left in various places. I can honestly say that a small piece of my heart was left in Groton, Massachusetts (Lawrence Academy - prep school), and Lowell, Massachusetts (UMass-Lowell), and those experiences changed my life. Unfortunately for me, the biggest piece of my heart will be left in Evansville, Indiana. No matter what transpires in my future, that much is true.

Many people may have difficulty with being 100% honest with others, and especially themselves, but I don't. I don't care if it is 4:30 in the morning, and I'm pumped full of a Saturday night's liquid courage, I am going to be honest with you. Evansville will always hold the biggest piece of my heart. I experienced a lot of firsts for myself upon arriving in this city. It's hard to believe that a Boston boy could really find out who he is in the mid-west, but it's what happened. This city changed me, for the better, and although I try to give credit to the city, it's really due to the people, and more importantly, due to a single person. She is, was, and always will be, the greatest person I ever know, and no matter what I experience in my future, that won't change.

Anyways, before I get even more sidetracked, tonight was a good night. I had fun with Riley, Abby, and Jed, and we made the night worthwhile for ourselves. I'm glad that I've had the opportunity to grow closer to the three of them throughout the summer months. They are all good people, with good intentions, no matter what may have transpired in their pasts. I wish them all the best. As for me, Ri Ra's (for my Boston boys, it's an Irish bar, so you know it's up to snuff), and Scores (the local strip club with no nudity, yeah, seriously, there is no full nudity... ) provided me with what I needed for tonight. It's not much of a story, but the foursome who went out tonight definitely discussed much about life, it's journey, and where we're all headed. I hope the things that I have experienced recently are leading me towards the life that I'm meant to live. I put my faith in God every single day that every thing happens for a reason, and that whatever is meant to be will be, but it still remains to be seen.

In closing, I hope that post #2 was not a complete letdown from post #1. In the future, please don't expect the blogs to come as quickly as night-after-night, and please don't expect them to be as detailed as the first two. I'm sure a lot of tonight's blog is due to the alcohol, and I hope that I remained coherent enough for you to be able to understand what I'm trying to explain (which I still don't know what it is exactly - not exactly anyways). I guess the bottom-line is... If you love somebody, then show them every day. It doesn't matter whether it's the love of a family member, the love of a close friend, or the love of a significant other. The people you care about will almost always reciprocate with their feelings. Don't be afraid to show you care, and don't be afraid to show your vulnerability. Maybe that's just the 8 blasts of soco-lime finally catching up with me, and maybe it's a crap load of bullshit, but it's the truth. Don't be afraid to care, and don't be afraid of love. End of story. Good night, God bless, and always remember to tip your bartender. Amen.